Back to Work Blues

I've been dreading this time and hoped it wouldn't come but alas it did.  This is my last week of maternity leave and the last week home with my little man.  I'm already starting to tear up and I've only written two sentences.  The past three months have flown by as I knew they would.

When I first went out on leave I never thought I would enjoy being a stay at home mom.  I thought I would be bored and antsy to get back to work.  Now, nothing could be further from the truth.  I love being home with Baby J everyday.  We do so much together.  There is MyGym on Tuesdays and Mommy and Me on Thursdays.  Morning naps at ten and afternoon walks to the park at two.  In between there is smiles and laughs on the changing table and story time on the floor.  I've been there for his first laugh, first smile, and the discovery of his hands.  Every first I've seen and now that is all about to change.  I'm going to miss the first time he rolls over, or takes his first step, or his first word.  Oh man, I need a tissue.

Come next Monday I am going to have to find the strength to take and leave the most important thing in my life at daycare and I have no idea how I'm going to do it.  I've been crying on and off about it for the past month.  I just can't help it.  It sickens me to think that a stranger will be spending more time with my son than me, his mother, and there is nothing I can do about it.  In this day and age we cannot survive on one income.  I've crunched the numbers and it's just not possible.  I have to go back to work.

Before Baby J was born Jim started researching daycare facilities in the Folsom area.  He found one that would be taking infants in January called Little Rascals.  We went over and checked it out.  Overall we both liked what we saw.  It was very clean with a big play area both indoors and out.  The owner, Michelle, has been doing daycare for the past twenty years in the bay area and recently moved up here.  She runs it like a preschool and has a structured day full of arts and crafts, coloring, learning, and playing.  This appealed to us because once Baby J is older he won't just be plopped in front of a TV.  He will have the opportunity to learn his shapes, letters, numbers, etc. 

When I last spoke to Michelle, I believe she had three kids she cared for, but could have up to six without a helper.  I wasn't too keen on that.  Six for one person seemed like a lot.  Especially when two of them could be babies.  Right now Baby J has all my attention.  If he cries, I am there within a minute to attend to his needs.  I never let him just lie there and cry.  He feels safe and secure knowing I will take care of him when he needs it.  What happens if that isn't the case once he is in daycare?  What if she is busy with the other kids and can't help him for awhile?  My heart breaks to think that he might be crying for his mama and I am not there.  He doesn't understand that I have to work and that's why this stranger is looking after him.

I'm trying to see the silver lining but it's so hard.  The negatives outweigh the positives at this point.  I never thought it would be this hard.  Thankfully he will only be spending three days a week at daycare and then my mom and Jim's mom will be watching him the other two days.  At least I know he will be well taken care of two days a week.  They will take him for walks to the park  and read him stories and give him much of the same routine that I do.  I find a little peace in knowing that.

I will miss everything that we have now.  I will miss the new friends that I have made.  I will miss looking into his room while he naps peacefully in his crib with his little arms up over his head.  I'll miss our conversations on the changing table and the smiles he gives me while jumping in his bouncer.  I will miss snapping pictures and texting them to Daddy giving updates of what's going on at home.  But most of all I will miss just being with my little boy all day long.